i haven't been sick in forever.
i don't like to say i'm sick.
i never admit to it if i'm asked whether or not i'm sick.
i try to use self deception.
by convincing myself that i'm not sick i can act not sick and shrug it off.
it is the opposite of psyching myself out--if you can do this why not the opposite, is what i thought.
but now i'm sick.
but nobody's around to see me.
i don't really feel like being around anybody.
i'm asleep when they're here and it's been long enough they know to not knock on my door.
i think i've alienated them.
or maybe they're being nice and giving me some space without abandoning me--as in they still think of me but care about me enough to try to understand my signals of irritability or apathy.
it's actually been a long time since i was sick like this.
i ususally only get mild stuff and then i try to sleep really well the night i feel my first symptoms to eliminate the virus preemptively by boosting my defenses. it ususally works and the next day i wake up ok.
but this thing won't go away. maybe it's the flu.
whatever the fuck that is.
or maybe i just don't have the heart to lie to myself this time.
i sleep a lot.
i don't eat much.
i move a bit, my fingers on the computer or mouse and when i have to shift positions in bed because i get cramps after a while.
i think poorly of myself and it is pretty silly because i get by pretty well and nothing really awful happens to me and i have a very comfortable life with little conflict.
nothing much ever really happens to me.
i am the nice guy that people talk to for advice because i give good advice or so i'm told.
maybe i'm stagnated and that’s why i see no pressing hurdle to overcome.
maybe i could give myself some good advice if i asked for some when something bad happened to me.
nothing bad is happening to me.
it's been a long while.
but then what do i do.
i could hurt myself but that is silly on three counts. i would have to explain why i did it which would end up badly because i don't know except that maybe i wanted some attention or at least something to happen but this is silly because of the second count which is it would be fabricated and artificial--not really conflict but an outburst--i really have no reason to do it except boredom, and while it would certainly pass the time it would pass it as much as sitting in my room with the lights off and dreaming about bouncing, colourful ideas would except it would be more painful. which is the third count. it would hurt. i don't like pain when it's not getting me anything. it's like letting go of a five dollar bill on the subway on purpose and expecting to get something for it. all you get is losing five dollars.
maybe if i got hurt accidentally.
i wouldn't want to see it coming is what i mean.
then i'd have something to preoccupy my brain and not this lulling suspense of nothingness of having everything be kind of ok all the time.
all i find interesting is in my head and so i sit around most of the time or lie in bed during daytime hours wasting away in daydreams.
i feel i use other people as brain fodder and i relate to the them in my head by how i can incorporate their stories into my dreams like their stories were fictions or, conversely, incorporate myself into those fictions.
the reality of death is too far away from me.
i feel like it will never happen to me and i feel cheated because i know it will and i feel meaningless when i don't have to struggle for it or i should say against it. i am worth very little because it takes so little to keep me here.
but then again that is a fallacy because everyone only needs basic necessities like food to be here and the basic premise for all of this is that everyone has different struggles and, further, some are harder to overcome than others' so food is not the point.
what i mean is that those necessities are provided for with no real effort from me.
so i am effectively a leech.
a consequence i am scared of is that when that stops being so i won't be ready because i feel like i'm stacking up bad karma and a lot of horrible shit will happen all at the same time later on. i would like to have it a little spread out.
even if i don't think of it that way--there being no quota of things that have to happen to me and that they'll happen all at the same time and that maybe won't happen to me at all--i guess what i'm trying to say is that i would like some conflict spread out a little bit over my life because this is very boring.
unless i'm missing the big picture of the meaning of my life.
maybe i am here to ponder these questions.
but that feels too much like a cop-out.
unless i actually cut myself off from my externally provided resources and try to live off of that pondering.
then i think would this pondering pay for itself either in actual physical resources or financial ones or just plain pain and discomfort genuinely derived from a drive to fulfill some meaning unto my life.
that's actually what i really want to do.
i am going to take a break from school next year--i should at least try to pass these three courses i have left.
i will make my debut and change a little of the public discourse of my generation by bringing back the verb to ponder.
i guess.
i hope.
and that's something.